Ask Miss Tess

It's been a long year and I'm getting really tired of seeing these words.

I haven't told many people about Kyle and I and our decision to have another baby so soon, but today has been particularly hard and I have to get my feelings out somehow.

In August 2016, we had our beautiful daughter, Ellen. At my 6 week check up, I got my prescription for birth control. That was in early September of last year. I didn't really take my pills on schedule because I felt like we were supposed to have another baby soon. Kyle and I had an at-home date to create our Dream Board and on it, we included "Baby #2???" in our One Year category. We hoped to have another baby by now, or at least be pregnant.

We had a lot of talks concerning whether or not this was the right choice for our family. Kyle was hesitant at first because he knew the great responsibility it would be. Kyle was very sick and not himself when Ellen was born. (That's a story for another day) and he was concerned about adding another baby when we had just added Ellen to our family. After many talks, prayers, and personal study, we decided we would not prevent pregnancy so if a baby comes, it comes.

When we got pregnant with Ellen, it was just over one month between the last day I took a birth control pill and the day we got a positive pregnancy test. I naively thought this would be the case again, that we'd be able to get pregnant fairly easily (at least within 6 months).

For the past 12 months, I've taken too many pregnancy tests to count. I'd test before my period was due, I'd test at different times throughout the day, I'd test with different brands. Regardless of how many tests I took, they all said the same thing;

Not Pregnant.

At first, it was frustrating but I moved on. It had only been one month, or two months, or four months, so we were still fine. Things were normal. Most couples get pregnant within 6 months. I could wait.

March rolled around and I looked up cute ways to announce a second pregnancy for Easter. Then, my period came.
April arrived and I looked up unique announcements for a baby due in January. Then, my period came.
May sparked the beginning of summer and I tried to find a special way to announce our pregnancy around Father's day. Then, my period came.

It was getting harder every month that I saw those two stupid words, or only saw one line on the pregnancy test.

After Ellen's birthday last month, I thought for sure that we would be pregnant. Kyle and I want our children fairly close together and if we were pregnant in August, Ellen would be about 22 months older than her next sibling. As I'm sure you can guess, my period came.

What has been the most frustrating thing is that my cycle has changed too. I used to be pretty regular, every 4 weeks I could expect Aunt Flow to arrive. In April, my period came 5 days early. In May, she was 3 days late. In June, a full week late.

At the end of June, we attended a wedding. In that wedding, Kyle and I both felt very strongly that we were supposed to add more children to our family. I thought it was a sign, until July came.

In July, I decided to call my doctor who delivered Ellen. I explained that my period hadn't come and it was 3 days late. They wanted me to come in for an appointment. I scheduled it, but the next day my period came. So much for the impression we had at the wedding in June. I felt like my body was failing us.

After that, I'd basically given up trying to figure out how long my cycle actually was. Even the app that I was tracking my cycle on had given up on me. It kept asking me if we have diagnosed infertility, if I've experienced a miscarriage, or if we are seeking medical help.

I'm sure you already know much more about me and my body than you wanted to know, but right now I've still got one week before my expected period. The thing is, I don't feel pregnant. I don't feel the fluttering I felt before getting my BFP (Big Fat Positive) with Ellen. I don't have the same symptoms (other than occasional nausea but I'm attributing that to the antibiotic I'm on for a sinus infection).

Maybe next week will bring the news we've been hoping and praying for. Maybe it won't.

I've looked in to possible explanations for our inability to get pregnant as well as ways to boost our chances. One suggestion was to track ovulation. I tried that, it didn't work. Another suggestion was to have sex 3-4 times per week, especially around the fertile window. I have no idea what my fertile window even is these days so that hasn't worked either.

Our next steps? Cry, probably.
Then? Research some more.

I know there are methods in which I can improve our chances by exercising more often, drinking more water, and lowering my BMI. I guess we'll see how that goes and move forward from there. My biggest fear is that if we go to see our doctor and let him know we've been actively trying for 12 months, the first thing he will say is to live a healthier lifestyle then come back to see him in a few months. If so, we will have wasted our time and money. Instead, I'll start that on my own and save myself the tears.

When we got pregnant with Ellen, I was the exact same body type that I am now, and I think I was a little heavier. I worked at a Law Office and I drank Dr Pepper like it was going out of style (because we had a soda machine in the break room). I sort of ate well, but not really. Kyle and I both worked full time so we would usually get dinner on the way home. I didn't exercise regularly other than taking the 2 flights of stairs up to my cubicle.

Now, I'm chasing after a toddler every day. I'm drinking water sometimes and I try to make healthy food choices. Is there room for improvement? Yes. Am I much healthier than I was nearly 2 years ago? Nope.

We'll just have to wait and see what the next few months bring us. Maybe we're not supposed to have another child right now, no matter how desperately we desire to add to our family.

In the mean time, I'll continue working. I'll continue enjoying every minute I have with our sweet Ellen. I'll cherish the time I have with just her and I each day.

Just because I'm not pregnant now doesn't mean I'll never be pregnant again. I know Ellen has younger siblings who are just as anxious to join our family as we are to have them here.

Patience is hard.

Hi, my name is Tess and I'm a shopaholic.

I never thought I would say those words or, rather, type them. I know I like to spend money. I know I get a thrill from walking in to a store with a wallet full of cash or plastic, then walking out with bags and bags of things I probably didn't even need.



If I could pinpoint an exact moment in which I realized this about myself, it would probably have to be about 11 years ago.

When I was 10, my dad started giving me a $5.00 allowance every Saturday. For a 10 year old with no expenses, $5.00 seemed like so much money. I was so excited for every weekend because it meant I would get more green stuff. I thought all week about what wonderful things I could spend my money on. That was my first problem.

Being as it was, my allowance came from my dad. There was nothing magical about getting the money on Saturday, I often asked for my allowance one day early, each Friday. Back then, I spent a good portion of my Friday nights having sleepovers or late nights with my best friends. We would always shanghai someone in to bringing us to a local grocery store so we could stock up on junk food and treats for our sleepovers. As such, I needed my allowance early. I couldn't be the only one without money for our snacks. I had to contribute. We always needed something chocolaty, something sweet, something salty, and something fruity. My friends and I would split the cost so I needed my allowance in order to pay my share.

Every Friday night, I would go to my dad and ask if I could have my allowance early. I always had the best reasons and stories to explain why I needed my $5.00 and why I could simply not bear to wait the extra day. That was my second problem.

Not only was I theoretically spending my money before I even got it, I also constantly asked to receive it one day early. I had big plans for those $5.00 long before I even laid my hands on them.

Fast forward to when I was 16 years old and I got my first 'real job'. I worked for KFC and I got paid weekly, every Thursday for the previous week. I usually worked between 15-25 hours so I knew I would be getting at least $100.00 and up to about $175.00 each week. That was a huge step up from my previous $5.00 per week.

My first paycheck came and that's when things really took a turn. I got a good amount of money, considering my age, and yet I never had any clue where it all went. Thus, my third problem.

As soon as my money hit my account, I was living large. I treated myself and my friends to lunch, I bought whatever seemed appealing and I didn't think twice. Then Friday rolled around, my account was back to $0.00, and I was plotting the ways to spend my next paycheck.

I went on living this way until I turned 18 and I was able to get my own credit card. At this time in my life, I was working 2 jobs and brining in about $800.00 per month. Although I did pay for gas for my car, the majority of my money went wherever I wanted it to go. More often than not, that meant it was going straight down the drain. I'm sure you can guess what happened as soon as I got that pretty piece of plastic, rounding us out with problem number four.

I knew the concept of the credit card but mostly I was just glad that I had this sudden extra money. I got my first credit card in December (bad idea, Christmas shopping went way over board) and I don't think I've had it paid off for more than 2-3 months in the past 3 years. I always find something else I need to buy or some other thing to purchase that I think will make my life better.

A secret I've learned through this process is this; Money cannot buy happiness. Money can buy me Diet Coke, and new earrings, and another comfy blanket, but that is not happiness. I find joy in those things, yes, but no amount of Diet Coke, no mountain of earrings, and no monstrous size of a comfy blanket can bring me true and everlasting happiness.

I'm still right in the middle of this process of figuring out what is a need and what is a want, I'm learning to budget and to make myself wait before I run out and spend every last penny.

It's been a long way coming but I'm seeing the blessings that come when I just leave my money alone. For quite some time, I've had the misconception that if I don't spend my money right away, it won't be available later. This is such backwards thinking but it's what I've believed for the past 11 years.

It's high time that I get excited over the dollar amount in my bank account, not over the number of shopping bags that I have to lug in to the house. It's time that I check my account daily not to see how much I can spend but to see how much I have saved!

Kyle and I are on our own path of financial planning and it hasn't been pretty. We've had our lowest lows and our highest highs in the past, nearly, 3 years we have been together. Through financial disasters and financial freedoms, we have gained experience that we never could have learned in a book. This is our life and it's been extremely messy on the money front so we are cleaning things up.

Today is Wednesday. On any other week I would have gone to multiple stores every day and by Wednesday we would have been broke. If it's a payday week, that seemed okay since we got paid on Thursday. If it wasn't a payday week, we would be hurting and barely getting by for the following week.

I'm done living paycheck to paycheck. I'm done walking in to a store and walking out with junk. I'm done getting a thrill over the number of shopping bags I can hang on Ellen's stroller. I'm done being a shopaholic.

It's a process, as is any addiction. As hard as it is for me to admit it to myself and to others, I will admit it. My name is Tess and I have a shopping addiction. I used to think that my addiction was okay because I always shop sales, clearance sections, and I find the best bargains. No matter how valid my excuse for buying something, the result was still the same; no money.

This will not be an easy addiction to overcome, nor will it be a simple habit to break. I need to fill my life with the people and the moments that bring true joy. I need to be okay with leaving the money alone. I need to be okay with the things we have. I need to learn to collect moments and memories, not things.

I'm no financial planning expert and I promise you I will have hard days as I get through this addiction. My hope in sharing my story is that I can inspire someone else to be a little better. I do not profess to have all the answers and honestly, at this point, I'm kind of winging it.

I want to hold myself accountable to my family as well as to my readers because you all matter so much to me.

I'm done. I'm done feeling this way. I'm doing being an addict. Give me 6 months and I'll show you how far I've come.

Today, $231.00 in cash was stolen from my wallet while my family and I were swimming.

I bet I know what you're thinking.

"Why were you carrying that much cash?"
"Was the locker securely locked?"
"It's your own fault for not having a padlock."
"You shouldn't have brought your wallet in to the building."
"That's what happens when you leave valuables in the open."
"You were asking for it."

THAT is what is wrong with society as a whole. Whenever something goes wrong, when something is stolen or someone is raped, it's immediately the victim's fault. In the case of rape, the victim was "wearing promiscuous clothing" or "showing too much cleavage". There was "too much visible cleavage" and the perpetrator "couldn't resist". Why have we turned on the victims?

I'll answer the questions I assume you're asking in your head.

Kyle and I went to Walmart this morning to get a few groceries, just like we always do on Saturday mornings. While there, I got $200.00 in cash out of the ATM. We have a cash-only budget system for the time being, so I was just monetarily preparing us for the next week. The ATM gave me 2 - $50.00 bills and 5 - $20.00 bills.
In my wallet, I had $36.00 left over from last week. One $10.00 bill, 4 - $5.00 bills, 6 - $1.00 bills.

We went home after getting our groceries and we were there for a few hours before we went to the local recreation center with some friends. I didn't take the cash out of my wallet, knowing that we had to go to Sam's Club and one more place while we were out again.

Once at the recreation center, we had to get a new membership card printed for Kyle. Ellen had been playing with his wallet recently and we somehow misplaced his ID card. The cost was $5.00 for a re-printed card. I paid with one of my $5.00 bills.

We got through the front gate and went to the family locker room. We found an empty changing room fairly close to the entrance, so Kyle, Ellen, and I went in to the room to change in to our swimsuits.
My swimsuit was in Ellen's diaper bag, alongside her swimsuit and swim diaper. I removed the clothes and diaper and put my wallet at the bottom of her bag. Once we were changed out of our street clothes, I placed them back in her diaper bag on, purposefully covering my wallet and iPhone.

When we walked out of the changing room, we found a small locker quickly and put our belongings in it. I hung the diaper bag on a small hook, while the towels and shoes were sitting below in the locker. We closed the locker and walked to our friends, then we all proceeded to the indoor pool area.

Fast forward 40 minutes. The little girls were ready to be done swimming so we got out of the pool. Kyle saved us a larger family changing room (which had a shower in it) while I walked to our locker to get our clothes and Ellen's diaper bag.

We got dressed and I didn't think to open my wallet. I saw it was still there, at the bottom of the bag, along with my phone. I thought nothing of it.

After we were done at the recreation center, we went with our friends to Olive Garden. We enjoyed great friends, yummy food, and good conversations until we were finished eating. At the end of our meal, it was time to pay. I knew I wanted to pay with a card but I was going to get out some of my cash for our portion of the tip. I opened Ellen's diaper bag and reached in to get my wallet. When I opened my wallet, I expected to see my cash in the same place it had been when we began swimming. Instead, I saw nothing. No cash. $231.00 was gone.

I immediately told Kyle what had happened. I knew it had to have been taken while we were swimming because I paid the $5.00 for Kyle's new ID, which meant I had the remaining cash in my wallet. Instead, it was gone.

While we were walking out of the restaurant, I called the recreation center. I explained what had happened and I asked if they had video cameras in the area where the theft took place. They said yes, but that in order to have the tapes reviewed, I would need to file a police report.

Kyle and I drove to the local police department. After parking, getting Ellen out of her carseat, and walking up the steps to the front door, we found that they were closed. They had an after-hours number on the door, so I called it. We are waiting for an officer to call us back concerning the theft.

Now, I know I will most likely never get that money back, and the thief doesn't care. They didn't care while they took my diaper bag out of the locker. They didn't care while they opened the bag, or while they moved my daughter's toys, diapers, and clothes. They didn't care when they opened my wallet. I am sick to my stomach that someone could do that. Little did they know, that's all we have for the next week. That's diaper money, baby formula money, gas money for Kyle to get to work. The thief doesn't care and will probably never face a judge, on this earth, for their crime.

While driving home, I thought of all of the small decisions that lead to this. I started victim shaming myself, saying things like "I shouldn't have taken the cash out of the ATM this morning", "I should have left my wallet in the car", and "I should have used a padlock". Saying these things is like telling a rape victim that they "Should have covered up more" and "They shouldn't have acted so seductively".

I cannot control the mind of the thief, nor the mind of a rapist. My actions have consequences, yes, but I am not at fault for their choices.

To the person who stole $231.00 dollars from my family today, I hope that one day, you feel guilty. I hope you feel sorry for what you did to us. I hope you change. I hope you make better choices in the future. I hope you NEVER make another family hurt the way that we are hurting now. No matter how valid the excuse, the result is still the same. This was not my fault. I am the victim. You made your choice. You stole from my family and I am unwilling to forgive you at this time.

I'm 21 and I've yet to be out of the United States of America. I've never been to Mexico or Canada and definitely not any countries over seas. Even so, I'm making plans to go places.

If you've been here for even a little while, I'm sure you know the basics. I'm a wife, a mother, and a Diet Coke lover. There's a lot more to me than just those few things so I thought I'd let you in on a few of them.


1. I hate crunchy toast. For me, toast needs to really just be warm bread. If there are any charred marks, I won't eat it. When it comes to croutons, I will very rarely eat them. Toast is yucky. Give me all the soft bread.

2. I'm missing the fingertip on my middle finger on my right hand. It's been about 11 years now since it happened, but I was in a four-wheeling accident. I'll save you from the details but I call it my special finger. It doesn't bother me too much other than if it ever gets jammed during sports or if I've been typing too much.

3. The anatomy of my jaw and mouth is no good. Because of this, I can't use my front teeth to bite anything. It makes sandwiches, onion rings, and countless other foods very hard to eat. I met with an orthodontist and the way to fix my open bite would be 9 months of braces, then oral surgery and a 6 week recovery, then 10 more months of braces. I haven't completely decided against it but I also know it would be very hard to have such a big surgery with little ones. For now, I'm putting it off for at least a few years.

4. Reality TV is my guilty pleasure. Little Women (LA, Atlanta, New York, and Dallas), Teen Mom, My Big Fat Fabulous Life, the list goes on and on. If you have any good suggestions, let me know!

5. My dream vacation destination is Bora Bora. Kyle and I considered it for our honeymoon but upon looking at the numbers, we decided it will be our 10th anniversary trip. Maui was a perfect honeymoon and I recommend it! Bora Bora will just take a little bit more time to plan and a lot more savings.

6. I'm 99.99% sure I have anxiety and depression but it's never been officially diagnosed. I am not a fan of counseling but I should probably talk to my doctor about it. Which leads me to number 7...

7. I have a very hard time opening up to strangers. I don't like being vulnerable in general, but especially not around someone I don't know very well because I d not easily trust people. I know I should go see a doctor and I plan to soon. I'll just need moral support so Kyle will definitely be coming with me, whenever that time comes.

8. Before I met Kyle, I had names for my future children picked out. Now, we aren't using any of them. When I met Kyle, I had a strong feeling that the names I originally picked were not meant for our children. Instead, we came up with all new names together. We have 9 full names picked out, we'll see how many we actually get to use.

9. I'm a total brand snob. I'll take the more expensive brand over a store brand 99% of the time. There are a few things for which I have found comparable store brand alternatives but for the most part, I like what I like and I'm not looking to change anytime soon.

10. Being so much younger than my next sibling was really hard for me. That's why I am so set on making sure I have my children close together and within 10 years from Ellen's age to our youngest child. I know it might seem crazy but it's what I feel is right and best for our family.


There you have it, 10 things about me. If  you want to know more, stay tuned! I'm sure I will cover a lot more about myself in future posts. In case you want to know more, feel free to email me at askmisstess@gmail.com.

If you know me, you know I love writing lists. I'm not a huge fan of electronic memos but if you give me a pen and a paper, I will be happy as a lark. (What is a lark? I don't know. That's for a later post.)

New Years tend to be fresh, new starts for everybody. There are plenty of jokes about how busy the gyms will be and many people will ask friends and family what their resolutions for the year are. Personally, I don't believe in "Resolutions" but I will explain that in more detail shortly. Instead of resolutions, I believe in plans. Concrete, well thought out, written down plans.

I have a few different planners that I use for different events in my life. Right now, my office decor consists of turquoise, gold, and polka dots galore so accordingly, I have been drawn to 2 specific planners and my handy dandy notebook.