On September 28th, 2014, I met my now husband, Kyle. I thought for sure that that would be the last time I would meet someone new and love them so deeply. That's the day I thought that my life was complete and I would never love anyone as much as I love Kyle.

I was wrong.

On August 4th, 2016, I met a new love. I met my precious daughter, Ellen. I heard her cries and I saw her sweet face. I didn't get to hold her right away, but I knew I loved her and wanted to be near her as soon as I could.

After a long labor and a few complications, my doctor gave Kyle and I the option of a cesarean section. After weighing the pros and cons (for a very short minute) we decided that the C section was best and that we just wanted Ellen here safely. It was not at all in my plan but it was what needed to happen. Around 1 AM, I was wheeled in to the operating room and listened while the doctors counted their medical tools and prepared me for surgery. I don't remember much of what I thought about while they did so, but I know I was thinking of Ellen. It didn't seem real that I was about to meet my daughter, the baby girl I have been so eager to hold for the past 10 months. My mind immediately went to worrying about her, though. I wanted her to come out crying. I wanted her to be safe and healthy and strong. I wanted her to just be okay.

And she was. Well, mostly.

She needed to go the NICU. I didn't get to see my new love right away. Kyle went with her while the doctors stitched me back up. My baby, my new love had just come in to the world and I couldn't hold her. My first true love and my new love were in a room somewhere in the hospital, away from me, and I couldn't go be with them. It was hard. So, so hard.

Kyle came back to the labor and delivery room to give me an update on Ellen. She was doing okay but she needed to be on the C Pap machine to help with her breathing. I couldn't see her yet but I sent Kyle to check on her a few times. Before I went down to the Mother/Baby unit, my nurse wheeled me through the NICU to where baby Ellen was. I got to touch her hands and feet but I couldn't hold her. She was hooked up to a few machines and had a pacifier in her mouth. The nurse in the NICU was trying to explain some things but I didn't listen. I focused on Ellen. I watched her chest rise up and down, up and down. I needed that peace and assurance that she was okay. She was breathing. Yes, with the help of the machine, but that didn't bother me. I just wanted her to be okay.

After 7 long hours, I sent Kyle to the NICU to check on Ellen's progress. When he got there, they told him she was ready to come downstairs and be with me. My first love and my new love and I would finally all be in the same room together, unencumbered by machines and tubes.



I walked down to the nursery. Yes, I walked there. I didn't want a wheelchair. I wanted to walk. I used my IV stand as a support but I was determined to walk. When I got to the nursery, Kyle was there with Ellen and another nurse. I got to watch Ellen get her first bath. I got to pick out a bow for her hair. I got to hold her; my new love.

We stayed in the hospital for about 2 days before returning home. It's been almost 3 weeks now and my love for Ellen has more than tripled since I met her and got to hold her for the first time. She relies on Kyle and I completely and I couldn't be more happy and proud to be the one responsible for her.

I thought Kyle would be the last person I would snuggle with. I was wrong there too. I snuggle with Ellen every chance I get because I know she won't stay this little forever. She's a snuggle bug just like her mommy and daddy so we love every minute.

For the first week straight, I was a hormonal mess every day. I cried at the flip of a switch and still do, here and there. Most of the time I've cried over how absolutely perfect my little girl is and how much I love her. I cry because I want to be the best for her. I cry because I want to protect her the best way that I can. I never knew the intensity of a mother's love until now.

Yes, I have a new love. It's a different kind of love than the love I have for Kyle, but I wouldn't necessarily put one above the other. I am in love with Kyle and so grateful he is my partner for life and beyond. I love Ellen and I am so grateful that I was entrusted with this sweet spirit, to raise and to love and nurture as long as she needs me. Without Kyle, I wouldn't have Ellen. Without Ellen, life wouldn't be complete right now.

I feel so lucky to have my first love and my new love. They are my whole world.