Ask Miss Tess

It's often been said that "Life is a journey, not a destination". I fully agree with this statement. It's not about the end goal, the ultimate outcome, or the big finish line. Life is about figuring things out along the way. It's about choosing paths and making adjustments when the route is leading to a dead end. It's about knowing that no matter how hard the travels, the destination will be worth it. No matter the hurdles, the heartache, or the let downs, they're all necessary parts of the path.

Although I know this to be true and I believe it, there are times I complain and grumble and wish that my path wasn't so hard. I see others who live seemingly perfect lives while our little family struggles and has to navigate through some deep waters at times. I don't understand why we have the trials that we do, but I know that there's got to be a reason. No matter how high the mountain is on our uphill battle, we will make it to the top.

I had a very real life experience of this principle over Memorial Day Weekend. Kyle and I went down to Moab where we met up with 9 of my siblings and a couple dozen of our nieces and nephews. It was fun to have so many of us together to spend time with one another and enjoy a long weekend. This is the first time all of my living siblings have been together in one place for about 2 years, so I insisted that we gather for a picture. Mom had to work this weekend, but Dad came down so we had him in the picture as well.



When Kyle and I arrived, my older sister told us that most everyone was planning on hiking to Delicate Arch the next morning. Although we hadn't really packed for a hike, Kyle and I wanted to go along and join our family for the hike.

Despite the heat and long jeans I was wearing, the hike started out easy. It was more of a leisurely walk until you got farther in to the trail. Up ahead, I looked at the mountain and saw, what looked like, ants climbing up the slick rock. It looked pretty far away, but if the arch was at the top, it wouldn't be so bad.

We continued on the trail, taking breaks and switching kids around and making sure everyone was having enough water. Then, we'd start walking again. At points, the incline was pretty intense. I could feel my calves burning as we went up. Baby E kept moving around and causing cramps here and there, so I'd take breaks for a minute or two before continuing.

When we got to the point that those "ants" were at earlier, I looked up and only saw a large hill that seemed too high and too hard to climb. My legs hurt, I was hot, baby E was making me uncomfortable, and I didn't want to keep going. The 1.5 mile hike seemed like 5 miles at this point, even though we were only about half way there.

At this point, my oldest sister saw me walking up to the point she was at. I was breathing a little heavily and she could tell it was hard. She told me to just take it slow and I responded with something along the lines of "It's too hard, I want to be done" to which she replied "Just enjoy the journey". Now, did I suddenly become positive and energized, ready to finish the hike? Nope, I assure you I did not. In fact, I think I was annoyed with that comment and didn't want to think about the journey. I just wanted to get to the dang arch so that I could say I had been there.

Kyle checked on me every time I stopped for a break, asking if I needed water and if I was feeling okay. I was honest with him and told him about how I was hurting and ready to be done. He, also, encouraged me and told me that we could do it. He kept reminding me how great I was doing and that it would be worth it.

By this time, we were approaching the top of the slick rock. I assumed that the arch must be right over the hill, we were almost there.

I was wrong.

Yes, we were almost there. No, it was not right over the hill. In fact, we still had a few more inclines, a few drops down, some sand patches, and a cliff-edge incline before getting to Delicate Arch. In this time, I took lots of breaks, taking advantage of the shade from a few trees or the rocks near the end of the trail. I wanted to be done. I just wanted to be done. Where was this stinkin' arch that I saw from the bottom of the trail? Where did all those people go that went ahead of us? I wanted to be where they were. Not here, who knows how far away, and still miserable.

It was then, rounding the last mountain, that I got the little oomph that I needed to finish this hike. I knew the arch had to be close and by golly I was going to make it. While taking the last few steps before seeing my family, some of my nieces and nephews started to cheer me on. They had been in one of the groups ahead of Kyle and I and others, so they were waiting for us at the top. Their little voices saying "Woo! Good job aunt Tessa!" and "You did it!" were just what I needed.



I did it. Yes, I sure did. I did it with my sweet husband by my side and while being 32 weeks pregnant. We went over and got in line to take a photo by the arch, where I probably did end up complaining a little more about being hot, wanting colder water, and who knows what else. But I did it.


Not everyone came down for the closer picture, but we did a small group photo of those who did. My dad, brother in law, sister, a few nephews and nieces, and Kyle and I.




Then, Kyle and I got a few photos of just our immediate family. It will be fun to get to show baby E what Mommy and Daddy did when she was still in Mommy's tummy.




Walking back down, Kyle and I were with my dad. We just made small talk and kept ourselves entertained until we got back to the parking lot. Breaks were still included and we kept drinking our water. This time, though, with the knowledge that we could do it and we did! We hiked all the way there and were close to being all the way back to the cars.

I wouldn't personally want to do this hike again while pregant, but I wouldn't mind doing it again someday. I know it wasn't easy and it took time and energy. I know that I could do it again if I so choose.

This is how life has been for Kyle and I lately. Others seem to have life all figured out. They're so happy and living life to its fullest while we struggle and wonder what we are doing wrong. Between me quitting my previous receptionist job last December and getting this amazing at-home job that I got in April, it was hard. Kyle has a great job but we also have bills and living expenses, most of which we could cover with his paycheck but not all. We felt like we were in an uphill battle that would never end. We would never be ahead of our expenses and we would always have to live paycheck to paycheck.

That's not true.

Blessings do come. Do they come easy? Not always. In fact, most of the time the blessings come after trials and hardships. Still, they come. Kyle and I have seen so many blessings in our married life, as well as in our personal lives before we knew each other. We know that we are being watched over.

Blessings take work, though. Just like getting to see this amazing piece of art that nature created took a lot of effort, we have to work toward our goals. We can't expect to be handed everything in this life. We have to prove that we can attain whatever we put our minds to. No matter the budget, the strength capacity, the mental capacity, or the emotional theshold, we can do it. The easiest way to run a mile is one step at a time. The quickest way to the top is with frequent breaks and reevaluations along the way.

Our little family is on the journey of a lifetime and we are learning to keep the destination in mind while focusing our energy on the path.

That word can mean different things for different people. For some, it may be their biological mother. For others, their adopted mother. It may even mean the neighborhood woman who played the motherly role or the family friend who became your second mother. For me, it means a warm hug. It means someone who will listen to me and give me advice. It means safety, love, and home.

Growing up, my mom and I were two peas in a pod. I'd go everywhere with her! Running errands, feeding ducks, and getting ice cream cones from Arctic Circle are just a few of the memories I have of those days. When we were out, I'd come across little things that I wanted to take home. On an early occasion, I asked my mom if I could have some toy and her response was "You can have anything you want in your dreams". This wasn't meant in a malicious way. It wasn't a "you wish" kind of statement. Instead, it was encouragement. It was assurance from my mom that no matter what, I could make my dreams into whatever I wanted them to be. I could have anything, do anything, be anything! From then on, I would point out things I wanted or thought I needed and would say "I'm going to have those in my dreams". This taught me, from a young age, to chase after my dreams. If I could dream it, I could do it. My goals and aspirations were never out of reach. As long as I had a dream and a deep desire for whatever it may be, I could accomplish it. I could get the toys I want and I could live the way I wanted. The truth is, though, dreams don't come true without hard work.

Every summer until 6th grade, I looked forward to the last day of school. The last day of school consisted of the annual dance festival and I could always count on my mom to be there. School was out early each year on that day so I loved getting to go home before lunch. The next day, I'd wake up to the birds singing outside and a neighbor mowing their lawn. The sun was shining and I could hear the outside faucet being turned on as mom was outside getting ready to water the lawn. Summer meant no school, long days, playing in the sprinklers on the trampoline, and lots of weed pulling. The deal was that in order for me to earn a day at the water park, I needed to fill a bag of weeds from the garden. I'll be honest, I hated weeding the garden. I didn't understand why this had to be part of my checklist before I was able to go swimming with my friends. Looking back on it now, my mom was teaching me a lesson. It wasn't about the weeds or the trash bag. It wasn't about her not wanting me to go to the water park. It was a much bigger picture. Mom was teaching me the value of hard work. She was teaching me to appreciate the rewards that come from working first and playing later. Each summer, I knew that weeding would be a big part of my time off from school but it taught me a lot. At the time, I grumbled and mumbled and tried to get out of it. Now, I can see what my mom was trying to teach me. The principle I learned was that hard work pays off.

She's silly. I love her sense of humor and I am so glad that we can laugh together. Sometimes we laugh about silly things that happened. Sometimes we laugh as we reminisce old memories. Regardless, my mom is silly and I love that about her. She isn't too serious. She's just the right balance of business and party. When "selfies" became big, mom got in on the action. Instead of using her iPhone, she used her big Nikon. I think it's great. She is so beautiful!



Mom was never one to expect too much of me. Yes, she and my dad definitely saw great potential in me and all of my siblings but they never set unrealistic expectations. They guided us and encouraged us and cheered us on, but they never had set the bar too high. Mom was always excited to see my grades on various papers and projects from school. She celebrated my victories and held me after my defeats. I could always count on my mom. She understands that I am only human and I will make mistakes. She knows my potential and encourages me to be my best self, but she never puts me down nor makes me feel insufficient as her daughter. She accepted me for me and loved me unconditionally, no matter what.

I let her down. I wasn't always the best version of myself. I had struggles. I made some not-so-great decisions. I know I was the reason behind her tears on more than one occasion. Regardless, she loved me. She cared about me and tried her best to keep the relationship strong. Even through teen angst and high school drama, she loved me. It may have been tough love at times, but she loved me. She still loves me. She cares about me. She checks up on me. She loves it when I go to visit. She is my go-to for advice on marriage and pregnancy. She and my dad have made it work for the last 40 years so I figure she's a very valid source of advice and love. She's given birth to 12 babies so I trust her views on pregnancy and childbirth. I love my mom.

Over the past 29 weeks, I've gotten a small glimpse of how much my mom loves me because I'm carrying my own baby. I feel Baby E move and kick and I smile to myself. I listen to her heartbeat and I'm at peace. I imagine what she will be like and wonder if she will look more like Kyle or me and I can hardly wait. At the same time, I know that Baby E will be a whole new adventure. I'm sure she and I will have a great relationship, just as my mom and I have, but I also know that there will be the hard days. There will be the teenage years and the arguments. There will be tears shed and lots and lots of hugs. I feel that I am ready, though, because of the example my mom was to me. She made it through raising all of my siblings and I. I am so eager to get to raise Baby E and her siblings in the future in similar ways that my mom and dad raised me. I will always share my testimony of Christ with Baby E, I will set an example for her, and I will always put her needs before my own. That's what my mom did. That's what moms are supposed to do.

My mom is beautiful. Not only on the outside, but the inside as well. I hope that I can be as beautiful and youthful as she is when I reach her age and level of wisdom.





I love my mom. I am so grateful for her. I am so glad she is the woman that she is. Because of her, I am who I am today. She taught me so much and continually does so. I may be all grown up now and having a baby of my own, but I will always be her baby girl. I love her more than words can express. The only thing better than having her as my mom is Baby E having her as her Nana. Strong women raise strong women, and because of the strength my mom has instilled in me, I am ready to raise yet another strong little girl in just 2 months.

I'm 20 years old. When I was 16, I got my first "real" part-time job working for KFC. $7.25 hourly and working 15-20 hours weekly was more money than I had seen at once in my life. Every Thursday, I'd get my paycheck direct deposited into my account. I was taking home about $100 or so and that meant I had $100 to spend on whatever I wanted. Right? At the time, I didn't have too many monetary responsibilities. I paid for gas for my '98 Honda Civic. I paid for new clothes if I wanted them. I paid for makeup if I needed it. Other than that, I spent the remainder on eating out or getting my usual 32 oz. Dr Pepper. Most of the time, by Monday, I didn't have any money left in my account. I wasn't very smart about putting away any of the money I was earning. I didn't bother leaving any of the money untouched. It was my money and I knew I'd be getting more next Thursday.

This was my first experience with a regular paycheck. Before I was working for KFC, I'd work here and there for my dad if I needed some extra cash. Otherwise, I was broke and that was okay. My parents provided all of my needs. I had a warm home, a comfortable bed, and food in the kitchen. While I am so grateful and appreciative of everything my parents gave me and all of my siblings, I often found myself lusting after the things that my friends had, the things that their parents could provide. Whether it was extravagant trips, new cars, or even just going out to eat on a regular basis, I felt like I would never get to experience that life. I would never make enough money to live the way that I saw my peers living. Granted, they lived this way because of their parents choices. My parents didn't spend money on extras or anything that wasn't really a necessity for me. I appreciate that. It taught me to work for what I wanted. Sometimes, the thought of having to work hard for something made me realize that I didn't really want that thing after all. It didn't seem worth the money or time when I was left to figure it out on my own. So I spent my $100/week in whatever way sounded good at the time. I was making money, yet still desiring more and more. More money, more materialistic things, just more. My piggy bank never kept money for long.



Now, this is the only life I've really known for the past few years. It's the only experience I had with being the steward of my own money. Yes, I've had better paying jobs since then. Yes, my paychecks have been well above the $100 each week. Yet I still find myself wondering where the heck my money went. Getting paid on Friday means that by Tuesday my account is at $0.00 again.

Being married is a whole new ball game in regards to finances. Kyle and I have chosen to have joint accounts all across the board. We believe that as a married couple, we work as a team. It's not a matter of "his money" or "my money". We don't split our bills in half. The expenses that we have for our family are just that; family expenses. Therefore, we pay our bills from our paychecks that are deposited into joint  bank accounts. For the past year, I haven't made many changes to my way of dealing with money. I pay our bills and whatever is left will go to eating out or buying new stuff. Stuff we didn't need, nor budget for, but we had the cash in our account so we bought it. This way of life isn't so bad until you throw a few credit cards into the mix. Not only did we have all the extra money after our bills were paid, we also had these lovely little plastic rectangles that were assigned values. One was worth $500, one for $1,700, and the list goes on. I always knew that whatever I charged on a credit card would need to be paid back, I just didn't realize how hard that would be when we weren't saving any money or ever paying more than the minimum on each card we have.

Now, we've found ourselves in a less-than-perfect situation. Kyle and I both have great jobs and we're working towards getting our finances in order. We re-visit our budget often and try to look at where our money is going. We discuss ways that we can make our money work for us and we're taking the famous Baby Steps as set forth by Dave Ramsey. The only way that we can really make a financial turnaround is to recognize the why. We are in debt. Why? We want to be debt free. Why? We want to live comfortably. Why? We say we're tired of feeling broke and lost. Why?

Along with the answers of "why" we have to make a plan for the HOW. How are we going to stay out of debt? How are we going to make sure that we never get back to this place? It honestly will take discipline, focus, hard work, long hours, and a change in our ways.

Growing up, I always wanted more. Now, having credit cards is allowing me to get whatever I want, whenever I want, and pay for it later. This is the why. Kyle didn't really have to worry about budgeting while growing up either so it's the same general concept for him. He wants something, we go get it. That's what credit cards are for, right? Wrong. We need to both learn to make a budget that includes whatever our wants may be. We have categories for Home, Cars, Date Nights, Eating Out, and Discretionary Allowances for Kyle and I. In the past, we haven't budgeted for those things. We bought whatever and just charged it to the Visa or MasterCard. That's what got us in a hole that seemed impossible to climb out of.

That's why we're in debt. Now, why do we want to be debt free? The list goes on and on. The biggest reasons being financial freedom and not having to have such large monthly payments and accumulating interest. Monthly bills like internet, natural gas, and electricity are bills that I'm willing to pay. I use these things daily and I'm willing to pay the bills to keep our home in order. I don't, however, like paying bills that just go toward whatever thing I bought last month, or the month before, or even 6 months ago. It's silly to be making payments on that steak dinner we had last week. This is why we want to be debt free. I'd rather not be paying for that steak dinner or new outfit for the next 5 years.

We'd like to have all of our needs and our wants met while simultaneously paying off debt. Many financial advisers say to cut back and live frugally while paying off debt. While I agree with this to an extent, there's no way that we can get out of debt if we only budget for the bare minimum. We need to have separate categories for whatever may come our way. Otherwise, if we haven't budgeted for it, we will put whatever "it" is right back on to a credit card. That's no way to live. We want to live comfortably. We can do this by looking at how much income we have and making realistic monthly budgets accordingly. That's not to say that we can just keep eating out whenever we want and buying whatever material items are the latest and greatest. It means that we need to plan for plenty. We over-budget for necessities while still making more than minimum payments on credit cards. At the end of each month, if we didn't use the money originally allotted for gas or groceries or whatever else, we will make an additional payment on the credit cards.

Now, how? How are we going to achieve all of our goals while still meeting our monthly responsibilities? It's not easy, I can tell you that much. Honestly, looking at the goals we have for ourselves, the next 18 months aren't going to be so fun and fancy free. It will be hard.  It's going to mean that we really have to watch where our pennies are going. We can do it. I know we can.

Since I've been going on and on for a while now, I want to leave a little advice for anyone who may be in our shoes. Trying to get out of debt but literally living in "poverty" according to your annual income. My advice to you is this; make a realistic plan and write down why and how. Deciding to get out of debt is the first step. The only way that you can truly be successful in your plan to financial freedom is recognizing the "why" and the "how" and reminding yourself of them often.

When I was younger, I wanted more. Now, I have the "more" that I wanted. Not only that, but I have bills to pay for that "more" that I thought I needed. Sometimes it's better to be happy with what you have and not lust after the material things or expensive nights out. Living below our means, while still living comfortably, is what Kyle and I really need right now. Is it going to be hard? Yeah, probably. Worth it? Ask us in 18 months.

I'm not normally the woman who would go out of her way to take new roads when it comes to traveling. I have specific routes in mind and I do my best to stick to them. If I'm going somewhere I've never been, I'll use my GPS and trust that it will get me where I am going. I don't like to go anywhere without a plan of how to safely get to the destination. So why did I take a different route last Friday night?

I was spending time at my sister's house, getting things ready for a joint shower that was thrown for me and another expectant sister. Kyle was working until 8 PM and I thought I would be home by then, but plans changed so I decided to stay at my sister's house until it was time for Kyle's soccer game. The location of his game was closer to my sister's house than home was, so it made more sense for me to just meet him there. His game wasn't until 11:25 anyway, so I had plenty of time to finish helping with some last minute tasks.

Around 10:55, I started getting things ready to go so that I would be on time for Kyle's game. By about 11:10, I was heading out the door and off to watch him play. As I was driving down the freeway, I contemplated which path would be best to take in order to get me to my destination on time. If I had been coming from the south, like usual, I knew I should get off at a certain exit and the path was clear from there. This time, I was coming from the north and I wondered if I could take the exit before the known exit, in order to not back-track. I thought about using my phone to help me get there, but I didn't have time to pull off and input the address. As I approached the exit I contemplated taking, I had a feeling I should just go the way I knew. The path I had been on so many times and the road that I knew so well. I fought with myself for a few seconds before deciding that my anxious feelings were silly. I knew there was a road that would get me to the indoor arena, I just had to find it.

I decided to take the freeway exit that I hadn't taken before. I started off toward the general vicinity of the arena and turned on my brights to help me have better visibility on the back roads. As other cars approached in the opposite direction, I'd turn my lights down and keep a close eye on the road. Soon enough, I was coming up on an intersection between a freeway over-pass and the parallel road that I was on. I couldn't tell if I had to stop or not, so I began pressing the brakes lightly to slow down the Jeep. Once I got close enough, I realized I didn't have to stop so I went on through. There was a slight bend in the road to the right, and I could see the lights on the arena. I knew I was close and that I had taken the right road.

Then, I saw the red and blue flashing lights in my rear-view mirror.



"Crap." I said to myself while I turned on my blinker and slowed down to pull off. I wasn't speeding, was I? I don't think so. I wasn't using my cell phone. Did I have a tail light out? Did our registration stickers fall off the license plate? I was running through a myriad of explanations as to why this officer was pulling me over. I didn't think I had done anything wrong.

In anticipation of him approaching my vehicle, I pulled out my ID. I was about to get the registration papers out of the glove compartment when I saw a flashlight coming toward me. He aimed it in the back seat, then at me as he got to the driver's door.

"Have you been drinking tonight?"

What? That's why I got pulled over? Was I swerving? Was I driving impaired? I don't think so.. Why would he ask that??

"No, I'm just trying to find my husband's soccer game." I replied. I'm very obviously pregnant, why would I be drinking? I've never had a drink in my life!

"You slowed down at the intersection back there. Normally, the only people that do that are drunk, high, or lost."

I assured the officer that I was the latter. I had not been drinking, I was not high, I was just a little lost. I explained to him that I had never taken this route before and I was just trying to get to my husband's game. The officer pointed out the building up ahead and let me know that it was probably the place I was looking for. Although I had figured that out as I came around the bend, I thanked him.

"I'll let you go. You drive safe though, and have a good night."

He let me go. I hadn't done anything wrong, I just slowed down at an intersection that I had never been to before. I wasn't drunk. I wasn't high. I didn't have a tail light out. Our registration was fine. Yet, because I took the exit that I did, I got pulled over. I am almost certain that if I had just taken the path I knew, I would not have been pulled over. I would have arrived at Kyle's game 5 minutes sooner than I did. I would have never even seen the officer. I didn't listen to that little inkling I had. Instead, I was prideful. I told myself I could get to Kyle's game on the new road. It would be easy. Nothing could go wrong.

Kyle and I are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. That being said, I have a strong testimony and belief that when those little inklings/feelings come, it's our Heavenly Father acting through the Holy Ghost, trying to warn us of dangers or encourage us toward something good. In this case, I got that little feeling. I felt that taking the new road was not what I should be doing, yet I did it anyway. In turn, I got pulled over.

Could things have been worse? Yes. Getting pulled over isn't such a big deal. This whole ordeal was just a reminder to me that sometimes we're safer taking the paths we know. Sometimes, it's better to stick to the routine and not wander from the trodden path. While I agree that the opposite can be true as well, that taking a new road can lead to happiness and joy, that is a topic for another day. Today, I believe that if I had heeded the caution of the Holy Ghost and just gone the way I was used to, I wouldn't have been pulled over. This time, it was just that. Who knows what could have happened though. I could have been lost and unsure how to get to Kyle's game. I could have been in a car accident. I could have taken the wrong way and been very late to the game. There's plenty of "could have"'s and "should have"'s.

The lesson I learned is that it's okay to stay with the same old routine. It's perfectly fine to stick to what you know. It's completely acceptable to trust your prior knowledge and avoid taking on new challenges. Should I always do that? No. I believe that new experiences lead to growth and development. I believe that there is a reason for the feelings we have either way. If I feel that I need to try a new thing, I'll trust that I can do it and I go for it! In the future, if I get a feeling to maybe just follow my instincts, I will be more cautious and willing to trust that feeling.

Sometimes, the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. Sometimes, it's best to take the road that everybody else is taking. I know that now. I understand that now. I will pay more attention to these principles now. Getting pulled over is minimal in comparison to everything that could have happened. It was a sign enough for me, though, that this time, I should have stuck with the path I knew.